“Twilight” Movie Review

March 22, 2010 in Movies

Alas! The Twilight movie review! Now, for the many thousands of girls this review will upset, I shall let you know now that you can all go suck an egg.

This movie is NOTHING to be worked up about. I don’t even know why people freak out about it! It doesn’t do the books any justice whatsoever.

The books are great, I’ll give them that, and once I picked one up I literally couldn’t put it down. Like, I actually had it attatched to my hand until I finished it. I had the perfect image of beautiful Edward Cullen and “meh” Bella Swan, and I was perfectly fine playing the whole damned thing out in my head, and they had to go and cast the most ridiculous teenage actors out there. ALL THEY DO IS LOOK PRETTY THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE FILM WITHOUT ¬†ACTUALLY ACTING. Well, I guess Kristen Stewart shows some kind of interest in playing the part. The whole “end-of-movie hospital scene” when Eddie says they can’t see each other anymore made me laugh like a motherfucker. “No! wh- wa- what?! I- I- I c- I w- NO! Bu- I- Love- Dont- Y- How” – HEY KRISTEN, YOU SOUND LIKE A BABBLING IDIOT HAVING A SEIZURE. HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP AND STAY UNCONSCIOUS?It was the most embarrassing, annoying, and ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and just the way her nostrils flare up when she gets worked up irks me too. Moving on to R-Patz. Mister Patty Patty Pat Pat – ever since you got the role of playing a modern day, dreamy, stone cold hunk of vampire, you’ve seemed to change. You think you’re too cool for everyone now, like you’re taking your part a little too seriously. I think I liked Cedric Diggory much, much better. Now, those are really the only two people I have problems with. The rest of the Cullen family, the bad guys, and, of course, Jacob Black, were fine. Although Alice kind of creeps me out from time to time, her acting isn’t so bad, and neither are her nude pictures! Wait, what? Anyways…I guess the makeup was done really well, as well as the stunts and visual effects. The soundtrack was great, with artists like Gosling, The Black Ghosts, Iron&Wine, and Perry Farrell – it was definitely worth buying and listening to. All in all, this movie was laughable. It wasn’t a squished roach in a stinky trashcan, but it was close.

REPORT CARD

Story: 90

Direction: 65

Cinematography: 80

Special Effects: 70

Actor Performances: 60

OVERALL

64